Return of the Dead.

The universe really seems to listen in some time. More often than not, people seem to forget that no matter how bad things get, they just HAVE to turn around. It’s just the way that the world works. I’m not a big believer in god. I’m agnostic so to speak, hence, I do believe in some sort of force being out there. I do believe that something had to cause us to exist.

The past few days I’ve been having crazy fights at home. I honestly thought that I was going to lose it and do something stupid. No, I don’t committing suicide, but just running away and crashing at a friend’s place for a few days.

Being 20 years old now, I hate how I’m still treated like a 5 year old at times. I understand that “kids will always be kids regardless of how old they get” but there is a line SOMEWHERE. For example, two guys came to fix the air conditioner at our place a few days back. Mom’s nicely sitting in the corner NOT speaking to any of them, and I generally went in to ask her about where one of my t-shirts was. Soon enough, hardly 10 minutes later, dad comes in and starts scolding me and says, “You shouldn’t disturb two adults when they’re talking.” I mean, I’m generally an angry person and I don’t try to hide it but I normally don’t blow the way I did right then unless it’s justified. Just because there were two other people in that room doesn’t mean that there was a conversation going on. I asked her ONE question when she wasn’t talking to ANYONE else. I wasn’t even angry by what he said, just hurt. I started crying like a 2 year old who just stubbed her toe and screaming at him to start being reasonable. It’s insane how this has been happening every second day. I’m honestly an adult now, so I happen to know the difference between talking to another person and interrupting a conversation. I am not that stupid just because I have the occasional blonde moment.

Anyhow, in the past few days, things have just been going from bad to worse. Talking to my dad is a colossal waste of time. He sits me down and tells him how he “feels” which basically feels like a rant of “Oh look at how horrible my daughter is” and I honestly just got fed up and told him, “I have nothing to say to you.” He’s tried to make things better, only on one day, but it’s honestly too little, too late. I know family is important and I will always be there for my parents no matter what but that doesn’t mean that I keep pushing my feelings aside and smiling to their convenience. That’s not the way it’s going to work anymore. I literary feel like I’m dying inside every time I do that.

All of that aside, the point of this post was not to tell you my sob story but to tell how things always get better just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom. Today was the worst of all days, and I was planning on running away or something but just a few hours of laughter and hugs made me realise that the reason I appreciate my time out of the house so much is because how crappy things are at home.

My best-best-best friend, who stays in the same city but I haven’t met her in MONTHS, finally came to meet me today. I really needed a day out and I couldn’t have asked for better company. She and the guy I’d mentioned in “Stuck” stopped by for a few hours and it was so perfect. All we did was have a few beers and play a few hands of poker, but it just felt like a scene out of those sappy movies where everyone seems to be smiling through every single second.

We hadn’t planned to meet up and I had no idea that they would even be in this part of the city. That phone call was insanely unexpected and came just as I was about to pack a bag to leave. It actually came when I was in the washroom and hardly ever call people back. Maybe, one in 6 months but today was different. Something inside me just told me that I have to pick up the phone and dial.

Thank you universe for whatever part you played in all of this. Maybe it was huge, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, thank you.

Blubbering
E.K.

P.S. I know I disappeared for a few weeks. Sorry about that. I’m back now and I plan on sticking on. SO MUCH DRAMA. Meh.

Questions.

It’s three in the morning and I can’t sleep. I have too many thoughts and questions going through my head right now to be able to focus on ANYTHING for more than 30 seconds.

Since I can’t sleep, and I can’t do anything else, why not try and remove the obstacle so that I can actually move on to do something productive?

1. Do I have it in me to graduate? I mean, I know I love economics and I know I can study the subject to a certain extent but do I really have the dedication and perseverance to stick it out?
2. Do I have it in me to lose weight? I know I’m swimming every morning, and I know I’m not eating as much junk food as I used to but I’m still not losing any weight. I feel fit, and much better about myself but I’d like to look the part as well. Why does it have to be so frustrating?
3. Will I ever be able to save up for a new phone? My current phone is totally bent out of shape and keeps hanging ever 5 minutes. I need a new phone, but without a job and meager allowance there isn’t any way that I can even bother to save.
4. Will I ever be in love again? I’ve been there, but I’ve always believed that true love only happens once in your life. Meh. I feel like I put such a sad spin on everything.
5. Will I ever have the courage and will power to break up with my current boyfriend? As amazing as he is, I really need to walk away. Enough is enough.
6. Are my dreams way out of my league? I was always taught to dream big and work towards achieving my goals but all of a sudden it all seems so unrealistic and out of my reach. Every time I think that I’ve moved forward, something or the other happens to make me take two steps back.
7. Will I ever be able to sustain myself so that I can FINALLY move out and live on my own BEFORE being forced to get married?
8. Will I ever be able to obtain the focus that I need? There’s a lot that I need to get done and fast. Procrastination is no longer an option. I need to make a plan and put it into action as soon as possible if I ever plan on getting things right in my life.

SOURCE: http://riptheseamsandwalkaway.tumblr.com/

Grown ups always tell you how wonderful life is going to be and how there are going to be so many opportunities for you to explore the world. What they always neglect to mention is that, regardless of whatever’s already out there, you’re going to have to work your butt off for anything and everything that you actually want. Even that’s not a full proof plan because life tends to be unfair.

What’s the point of it all?

Sorry if I’ve bummed you guys out. I just needed a place to rant and get all of this OUT of my system. It’s like Zeus vs. the Titans in my head right now. I’m all for looking at the glass as half full, but what if it’s got a leak and that it’ll probably be empty before you even realize that the glass was cracked?

Peeved.
E.K.

Bucket List.

There’s always so much that I’ve wanted to do in life. I’ve always said that I’ll have time to do it later but somehow, later never comes. So today, I’ve decided to write my first ever bucket list. Obviously it’s going to keep evolving over time. I’ll keep adding to it over time, but there are some things that are just too important to keep putting off.

I love this guy! He is the best form of inspiration.

1. Learn how to play the guitar.
2. Learn how to sew.
3. Learn how to bake a cake.
4. Learn how to bake a cupcake.
5. Learn how to make a lasagne.
6. Learn how to make a quiche.
7. Learn how to cook non-veg food.
8. Learn French.
9. Learn Spanish.
10. Complete graduation.
11. Complete post-graduation.
12. Get a PHD.
13. Go bungee jumping.
14. Jump off a plane.
15. Start my own YouTube channel.
16. Have my own house.
17. Have a pet.
18. Have a job that makes me happy.
19. Go scuba diving.
20. Ride on a yacht.
21. Ride a jet ski.
22. Learn how to surf.
23. Learn how to fish.
24. Parasail.
25. Own an underwater lomography camera. (Fish Eye One camera with a waterproof cover.)
26. Learn how to ride a bike WITH GEARS.
27. Learn how to drive properly.
28. Learn how to tie a sari.
29. Visit London.
30. Visit Vancouver.
31. Do the whole Eurotrip thing.
32. Visit Egypt.
33. Visit the Taj Mahal.
34. Go to Goa.
35. Visit Leh.
36. Own a leather jacket.

Tomorrow I’m going to make a list of things I need to get done before I turn 21. It’s very important that I get that particular list out of the way before I turn into an “official” adult. I call it my very own right of passage.

Love.
E.K.

 

I Gotta Feeling.

Hello hello.

I am in such an amazing mood right now that I just HAD to write a blog post and SHARE. For everyone who’s reading this right now, I’m sending out positive telepathic vibes TO YOU.

Anyway, back to the beginning. My day started out horribly. I hadn’t been able to sleep the entire night, so I was really moody when I dragged myself out of bed at six in the morning to go swimming. After that, once I got home, I had this little tiff with mom because of me being frustrated. The issue wasn’t that she was nagging, because nagging I can take. The issue was that I’d told her that I hadn’t slept, and I was in a crappy mood, so PLEASE DON’T NAG TODAY. Not using those exact words, obviously.

Source: http://britedarkness.tumblr.com/

Despite my warnings, there are very few people who actually listen and then have to bear the brunt.

The entire day went by sluggish and slow, until now.

My college buddy just called me up and I’m going to be meeting him up tomorrow morning. YAY! I haven’t seen him in ages, and honestly, he was the first friend I made in college. That man is extremely sweet and meeting him always puts me in the most amazing of moods for at least a week. When we used to be neighbours, I don’t there was a single day that I didn’t meet him. For three whole years, we were completely inseparable.

Source: http://thingsthatmakemechuffinghappy.tumblr.com/

The only awkward part, and this may only be in my head, is that I think I consider him more a best friend, than he considers me to be for him. Despite spending so much time together, we haven’t really ever talked about our feelings or whatever. I’m not the sort of person to lays down all my emotions on a platter and serve’s them up to be rejected. Be there, done that. It’s a phobia, yes, but I am just so tired of being hurt that ignorance just seems so much more convenient.

Besides all that, the day after, my boyfriend is coming back into town so I’m going to be meeting him for breakfast. He has a few hours before he has to head home. He’s an amazing guy and I don’t think that I could have ever asked for anyone better to stand by my side… But he’s so clingy! As much as I care for him, sometimes I can’t help but feel so suffocated by the constant text messages and phone calls. There have been so many times, I’ve just wanted to smash my phone against the wall and say, “You know what? I don’t have a phone anymore. Sorry.” Despite all that, he has his good qualities and I think they over ride all the negatives.

What I love about this blog is that I can actually speak my mind. The bad, and the good. I can let it all out, without being judged or thought of as a gossip. I hate talking about people to other people. There have been so many times that I’d say a particular thing that it would get so misconstrued in the process of getting spread to every second person I know.

Anyway, we’ll probably hang out for a bit, go bowling maybe and then later that same day, there’s a birthday party that I have to attend.

Now here’s the tricky part. Though my parents absolutely adore that friend of mine, they aren’t so chilled out about me staying out the entire night, and that too at a party. The options I have here are that I can either ask my mom and dad to pick me up from the party at 12-ish or I can just not go. I don’t have to go, since I already wished her and hung out with her on the day itself but on the other hand, I have been out in a really really long time and I’d really like to cut loose for just one night.

I might just be over reacted since I haven’t even asked them yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re not going to be okay with it. I’ve known them for 20 years now, I think I know when they’re gonna say yes and when they’re gonna say no.

Source: http://multitudeofgifs.tumblr.com/

All in all, I’m still jumping with joy at having something to do for the next two days.

Giddy.
E.K. 

Jump. Smile. Live.

Today is a new day and I refuse to be pessimistic or depressed over things that I don’t have any control over.

My last post was about the only guy I’ve ever been in love with, but pining over that isn’t going to change the facts and I should really work towards moving on. I’ve had two whole years to do it, and it’s high time I set my head straight.

I’m 20 and nowhere near where I wanted to be in life. I need to focus on me and bettering myself. Men are always going to come and go, and eventually, I will find who I’m looking for. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? *weak smile, shrug*

I’d just like to point out, that yes, I do have a boyfriend right now but no, I don’t love him. He’s an amazing person and I like him A LOT, but love isn’t something that’s happened for us yet. He does have strong feelings for me, but I’ve made my stance on the matter pretty clear to him. No deception, no lies.

I’m still working on a schedule that works for me.

Swimming is something that I’ve been doing every day for over a month now. There’s nothing better than the feeling of water to set you in the right mood for the rest of the day. Blogging is also something that easy for me to stick to everyday because it provides for relaxation. It helps me get my head on straight and focus on what I need to get done next. Blogging is my meditation.

I can’t study for more than 90 minutes in one go, which is why I’m planning on giving myself 120 minutes for studying in each slot. I can use the last 30 minutes to revise or get other study related stuff done. It’s flexible and allows for “delays” or bathroom breaks.

I get one day a week off, to do whatever it is that I want to do, whether it’s to roam around with friends or just chill in bed at home. I’ve always given myself the evenings off to go out and get a breath of fresh air. I know for a fact that I get extremely irritable when I’m stuck indoors for the entire day.

I just feel so sluggishtoday, but I’m going to get my backside off this bed, onto my chair, AND GET TO WORK. As they say, it’s better to have tried and failed than to have not tried at all.  Or something like that. Whatever.

Love.
E.K.