Return of the Dead.

The universe really seems to listen in some time. More often than not, people seem to forget that no matter how bad things get, they just HAVE to turn around. It’s just the way that the world works. I’m not a big believer in god. I’m agnostic so to speak, hence, I do believe in some sort of force being out there. I do believe that something had to cause us to exist.

The past few days I’ve been having crazy fights at home. I honestly thought that I was going to lose it and do something stupid. No, I don’t committing suicide, but just running away and crashing at a friend’s place for a few days.

Being 20 years old now, I hate how I’m still treated like a 5 year old at times. I understand that “kids will always be kids regardless of how old they get” but there is a line SOMEWHERE. For example, two guys came to fix the air conditioner at our place a few days back. Mom’s nicely sitting in the corner NOT speaking to any of them, and I generally went in to ask her about where one of my t-shirts was. Soon enough, hardly 10 minutes later, dad comes in and starts scolding me and says, “You shouldn’t disturb two adults when they’re talking.” I mean, I’m generally an angry person and I don’t try to hide it but I normally don’t blow the way I did right then unless it’s justified. Just because there were two other people in that room doesn’t mean that there was a conversation going on. I asked her ONE question when she wasn’t talking to ANYONE else. I wasn’t even angry by what he said, just hurt. I started crying like a 2 year old who just stubbed her toe and screaming at him to start being reasonable. It’s insane how this has been happening every second day. I’m honestly an adult now, so I happen to know the difference between talking to another person and interrupting a conversation. I am not that stupid just because I have the occasional blonde moment.

Anyhow, in the past few days, things have just been going from bad to worse. Talking to my dad is a colossal waste of time. He sits me down and tells him how he “feels” which basically feels like a rant of “Oh look at how horrible my daughter is” and I honestly just got fed up and told him, “I have nothing to say to you.” He’s tried to make things better, only on one day, but it’s honestly too little, too late. I know family is important and I will always be there for my parents no matter what but that doesn’t mean that I keep pushing my feelings aside and smiling to their convenience. That’s not the way it’s going to work anymore. I literary feel like I’m dying inside every time I do that.

All of that aside, the point of this post was not to tell you my sob story but to tell how things always get better just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom. Today was the worst of all days, and I was planning on running away or something but just a few hours of laughter and hugs made me realise that the reason I appreciate my time out of the house so much is because how crappy things are at home.

My best-best-best friend, who stays in the same city but I haven’t met her in MONTHS, finally came to meet me today. I really needed a day out and I couldn’t have asked for better company. She and the guy I’d mentioned in “Stuck” stopped by for a few hours and it was so perfect. All we did was have a few beers and play a few hands of poker, but it just felt like a scene out of those sappy movies where everyone seems to be smiling through every single second.

We hadn’t planned to meet up and I had no idea that they would even be in this part of the city. That phone call was insanely unexpected and came just as I was about to pack a bag to leave. It actually came when I was in the washroom and hardly ever call people back. Maybe, one in 6 months but today was different. Something inside me just told me that I have to pick up the phone and dial.

Thank you universe for whatever part you played in all of this. Maybe it was huge, maybe it wasn’t. Either way, thank you.

Blubbering
E.K.

P.S. I know I disappeared for a few weeks. Sorry about that. I’m back now and I plan on sticking on. SO MUCH DRAMA. Meh.

I Gotta Feeling.

Hello hello.

I am in such an amazing mood right now that I just HAD to write a blog post and SHARE. For everyone who’s reading this right now, I’m sending out positive telepathic vibes TO YOU.

Anyway, back to the beginning. My day started out horribly. I hadn’t been able to sleep the entire night, so I was really moody when I dragged myself out of bed at six in the morning to go swimming. After that, once I got home, I had this little tiff with mom because of me being frustrated. The issue wasn’t that she was nagging, because nagging I can take. The issue was that I’d told her that I hadn’t slept, and I was in a crappy mood, so PLEASE DON’T NAG TODAY. Not using those exact words, obviously.

Source: http://britedarkness.tumblr.com/

Despite my warnings, there are very few people who actually listen and then have to bear the brunt.

The entire day went by sluggish and slow, until now.

My college buddy just called me up and I’m going to be meeting him up tomorrow morning. YAY! I haven’t seen him in ages, and honestly, he was the first friend I made in college. That man is extremely sweet and meeting him always puts me in the most amazing of moods for at least a week. When we used to be neighbours, I don’t there was a single day that I didn’t meet him. For three whole years, we were completely inseparable.

Source: http://thingsthatmakemechuffinghappy.tumblr.com/

The only awkward part, and this may only be in my head, is that I think I consider him more a best friend, than he considers me to be for him. Despite spending so much time together, we haven’t really ever talked about our feelings or whatever. I’m not the sort of person to lays down all my emotions on a platter and serve’s them up to be rejected. Be there, done that. It’s a phobia, yes, but I am just so tired of being hurt that ignorance just seems so much more convenient.

Besides all that, the day after, my boyfriend is coming back into town so I’m going to be meeting him for breakfast. He has a few hours before he has to head home. He’s an amazing guy and I don’t think that I could have ever asked for anyone better to stand by my side… But he’s so clingy! As much as I care for him, sometimes I can’t help but feel so suffocated by the constant text messages and phone calls. There have been so many times, I’ve just wanted to smash my phone against the wall and say, “You know what? I don’t have a phone anymore. Sorry.” Despite all that, he has his good qualities and I think they over ride all the negatives.

What I love about this blog is that I can actually speak my mind. The bad, and the good. I can let it all out, without being judged or thought of as a gossip. I hate talking about people to other people. There have been so many times that I’d say a particular thing that it would get so misconstrued in the process of getting spread to every second person I know.

Anyway, we’ll probably hang out for a bit, go bowling maybe and then later that same day, there’s a birthday party that I have to attend.

Now here’s the tricky part. Though my parents absolutely adore that friend of mine, they aren’t so chilled out about me staying out the entire night, and that too at a party. The options I have here are that I can either ask my mom and dad to pick me up from the party at 12-ish or I can just not go. I don’t have to go, since I already wished her and hung out with her on the day itself but on the other hand, I have been out in a really really long time and I’d really like to cut loose for just one night.

I might just be over reacted since I haven’t even asked them yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re not going to be okay with it. I’ve known them for 20 years now, I think I know when they’re gonna say yes and when they’re gonna say no.

Source: http://multitudeofgifs.tumblr.com/

All in all, I’m still jumping with joy at having something to do for the next two days.

Giddy.
E.K. 

Stuck.

In the 11^th grade, I met him. He had a perfect smile, inquisitive eyes and a caring heart. He was naive, but then again, so was I. By the end of the first month, we were the best of friends and I honestly couldn’t have asked for anyone better to stand by side. As the year came to an end, I realized that this was more than just friendship. I’d known all along, but the idea just seemed too unreal. Love at first sight was a thing of fairy tales and movies, not something that would happen in real life, and let alone to me of all people.

Acting on my feelings was a little scary. Being in love with your best friend can be amazing, but putting all of that risk was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I’d never had a friend as amazing as him, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t had any since.

As school ended, our love blossomed. It was our little secret, behind dark stairways and in hidden alleys. Alas, all good things come to an end. I had to move to another city and he had to stay behind. We tried to make it work but somehow the distance and longing was just too great for the both of us to overcome. We still met over the summers but it wasn’t the same.

After three years, I finally moved back to find him in preparation to move to another part of town. I’d waited too long for this to come crashing down on me once again.

I don’t want love, I don’t want a relationship. I just want that friendship to mend. If that friendship happens to lead down the same path again, fine, but even if it doesn’t, it’s okay because at least I’ll have one person by my side that understands me and knows me to my core.

I can’t tell him anything of how I feel because things are just too complicated and I don’t want to scare him away but for once, I wish that he was the way that he was before, and that he’d just read my mind and KNOW.

I miss having a best friend.

I miss being in love.

I miss being complete.

I know we’ve both changed and I know that things aren’t as simple as they once were but please just let there be a chance that he might feel the same way. Please.

Frustrated.
E.K.