I Gotta Feeling.

Hello hello.

I am in such an amazing mood right now that I just HAD to write a blog post and SHARE. For everyone who’s reading this right now, I’m sending out positive telepathic vibes TO YOU.

Anyway, back to the beginning. My day started out horribly. I hadn’t been able to sleep the entire night, so I was really moody when I dragged myself out of bed at six in the morning to go swimming. After that, once I got home, I had this little tiff with mom because of me being frustrated. The issue wasn’t that she was nagging, because nagging I can take. The issue was that I’d told her that I hadn’t slept, and I was in a crappy mood, so PLEASE DON’T NAG TODAY. Not using those exact words, obviously.

Source: http://britedarkness.tumblr.com/

Despite my warnings, there are very few people who actually listen and then have to bear the brunt.

The entire day went by sluggish and slow, until now.

My college buddy just called me up and I’m going to be meeting him up tomorrow morning. YAY! I haven’t seen him in ages, and honestly, he was the first friend I made in college. That man is extremely sweet and meeting him always puts me in the most amazing of moods for at least a week. When we used to be neighbours, I don’t there was a single day that I didn’t meet him. For three whole years, we were completely inseparable.

Source: http://thingsthatmakemechuffinghappy.tumblr.com/

The only awkward part, and this may only be in my head, is that I think I consider him more a best friend, than he considers me to be for him. Despite spending so much time together, we haven’t really ever talked about our feelings or whatever. I’m not the sort of person to lays down all my emotions on a platter and serve’s them up to be rejected. Be there, done that. It’s a phobia, yes, but I am just so tired of being hurt that ignorance just seems so much more convenient.

Besides all that, the day after, my boyfriend is coming back into town so I’m going to be meeting him for breakfast. He has a few hours before he has to head home. He’s an amazing guy and I don’t think that I could have ever asked for anyone better to stand by my side… But he’s so clingy! As much as I care for him, sometimes I can’t help but feel so suffocated by the constant text messages and phone calls. There have been so many times, I’ve just wanted to smash my phone against the wall and say, “You know what? I don’t have a phone anymore. Sorry.” Despite all that, he has his good qualities and I think they over ride all the negatives.

What I love about this blog is that I can actually speak my mind. The bad, and the good. I can let it all out, without being judged or thought of as a gossip. I hate talking about people to other people. There have been so many times that I’d say a particular thing that it would get so misconstrued in the process of getting spread to every second person I know.

Anyway, we’ll probably hang out for a bit, go bowling maybe and then later that same day, there’s a birthday party that I have to attend.

Now here’s the tricky part. Though my parents absolutely adore that friend of mine, they aren’t so chilled out about me staying out the entire night, and that too at a party. The options I have here are that I can either ask my mom and dad to pick me up from the party at 12-ish or I can just not go. I don’t have to go, since I already wished her and hung out with her on the day itself but on the other hand, I have been out in a really really long time and I’d really like to cut loose for just one night.

I might just be over reacted since I haven’t even asked them yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re not going to be okay with it. I’ve known them for 20 years now, I think I know when they’re gonna say yes and when they’re gonna say no.

Source: http://multitudeofgifs.tumblr.com/

All in all, I’m still jumping with joy at having something to do for the next two days.

Giddy.
E.K. 

Jump. Smile. Live.

Today is a new day and I refuse to be pessimistic or depressed over things that I don’t have any control over.

My last post was about the only guy I’ve ever been in love with, but pining over that isn’t going to change the facts and I should really work towards moving on. I’ve had two whole years to do it, and it’s high time I set my head straight.

I’m 20 and nowhere near where I wanted to be in life. I need to focus on me and bettering myself. Men are always going to come and go, and eventually, I will find who I’m looking for. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? *weak smile, shrug*

I’d just like to point out, that yes, I do have a boyfriend right now but no, I don’t love him. He’s an amazing person and I like him A LOT, but love isn’t something that’s happened for us yet. He does have strong feelings for me, but I’ve made my stance on the matter pretty clear to him. No deception, no lies.

I’m still working on a schedule that works for me.

Swimming is something that I’ve been doing every day for over a month now. There’s nothing better than the feeling of water to set you in the right mood for the rest of the day. Blogging is also something that easy for me to stick to everyday because it provides for relaxation. It helps me get my head on straight and focus on what I need to get done next. Blogging is my meditation.

I can’t study for more than 90 minutes in one go, which is why I’m planning on giving myself 120 minutes for studying in each slot. I can use the last 30 minutes to revise or get other study related stuff done. It’s flexible and allows for “delays” or bathroom breaks.

I get one day a week off, to do whatever it is that I want to do, whether it’s to roam around with friends or just chill in bed at home. I’ve always given myself the evenings off to go out and get a breath of fresh air. I know for a fact that I get extremely irritable when I’m stuck indoors for the entire day.

I just feel so sluggishtoday, but I’m going to get my backside off this bed, onto my chair, AND GET TO WORK. As they say, it’s better to have tried and failed than to have not tried at all.  Or something like that. Whatever.

Love.
E.K.

Stuck.

In the 11^th grade, I met him. He had a perfect smile, inquisitive eyes and a caring heart. He was naive, but then again, so was I. By the end of the first month, we were the best of friends and I honestly couldn’t have asked for anyone better to stand by side. As the year came to an end, I realized that this was more than just friendship. I’d known all along, but the idea just seemed too unreal. Love at first sight was a thing of fairy tales and movies, not something that would happen in real life, and let alone to me of all people.

Acting on my feelings was a little scary. Being in love with your best friend can be amazing, but putting all of that risk was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I’d never had a friend as amazing as him, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t had any since.

As school ended, our love blossomed. It was our little secret, behind dark stairways and in hidden alleys. Alas, all good things come to an end. I had to move to another city and he had to stay behind. We tried to make it work but somehow the distance and longing was just too great for the both of us to overcome. We still met over the summers but it wasn’t the same.

After three years, I finally moved back to find him in preparation to move to another part of town. I’d waited too long for this to come crashing down on me once again.

I don’t want love, I don’t want a relationship. I just want that friendship to mend. If that friendship happens to lead down the same path again, fine, but even if it doesn’t, it’s okay because at least I’ll have one person by my side that understands me and knows me to my core.

I can’t tell him anything of how I feel because things are just too complicated and I don’t want to scare him away but for once, I wish that he was the way that he was before, and that he’d just read my mind and KNOW.

I miss having a best friend.

I miss being in love.

I miss being complete.

I know we’ve both changed and I know that things aren’t as simple as they once were but please just let there be a chance that he might feel the same way. Please.

Frustrated.
E.K.